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Updated: Sep 6, 2018

Last year, I inherited a cat. His name is Bobby, and he is probably the most unintelligent cat on this planet. He is also really loud and eats things he shouldn’t. If you leave out ribbons or hair ties or plastic or string or rubber of any kind - he will ingest it and then poop rainbows for days. I don't know why he does this; he has food and treats and toys to play with. I think he is just really stupid. But, he is also really pretty so he has survived this long based solely on his good looks. I guess that does work for some.

“My husband came down to discover the cat was not, in fact, throwing up a hairball, but choking on a rubber dinosaur...”

My husband doesn’t totally love Bobby. In fact, he tolerates him at best and frequently makes remarks about the cat "going missing" or "playing with the coyotes." He is kidding. I think. Anywho, last weekend Bobby crawled on his lap for some lovin'. He looked down and said, "I don't like you cat. Why do you insist on sitting on me?" I remarked that he couldn't say no to that face because Bobby is, "fuckin' adorable." Our toddler promptly chimed in, "Bobby is fuckin' bad. He is fuckin' naughty." Aaaaaannnnnnd we both lost our minds laughing. Whoops.

Last night, I had a guest over to try on some LipSense (yeah, I sell that, click on Pucker Up on this website for more info!). She found me on Facebook and this was our first time meeting. All of a sudden, Bobby started hacking behind us on the wood floor. My toddler came down the stairs to find out what was going on and I simply remarked, "leave him alone Buddy, he is throwing up a hairball." Welcome to my house, person I have never met! Ha! Then my toddler started screaming, "Noooo!!" and his screams turned into tears. My husband came down to discover the cat was not, in fact, throwing up a hairball, but choking on a rubber dinosaur that my toddler got with his Valentine's at school. Chaos ensued. My guest sat with her mouth gaping and half of her makeup done while my son sobbed and my husband performed the kitty Heimlich. The dinosaur popped out of Bobby's mouth, missing its head and tail and covered in saliva.

The most upsetting part to everyone was the doomed dinosaur and I was the only one who seemed remotely concerned that our cat almost CHOKED TO DEATH. I'm honestly surprised my husband didn't play along with the hairball routine and just let the cat succumb to his own idiocy. My devastated kiddo returned to bed and I finished my makeup consult with a now horrified lady who, I'm pretty sure, purchased her lipstick so quickly because she just wanted to get the hell away from our freak show. I went upstairs a short time later to check on my little guy and he said, "Mommy, I just think we should get another cat. Bobby is not very nice. Or smart. Because he eats dinosaurs." True story kid.

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