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  • Writer's pictureMer

Dreamland...

Last night I had a dream about my sister. Nothing special, we were at the grocery store, shopping for items to spend the day at the reservoir. We picked-out snacks, found the sunscreen, laughed a lot. The dream seemed to go on for the entire night, though I don't really think it was that long. It was so.....normal. Just sisters, hanging out and goofing around.

I woke to find that I forgot she has been gone for almost six years now. The dream was so real that I literally forgot she was dead. I was happy when I opened my eyes, still laughing, still hearing her laugh. I reached for my phone to text her, then remembered she was still sleeping because she doesn't have little little kids who rise before the sun. "I'll text her later."


As my body and mind became more alert, I started to realize it had been just a dream. Briefly, I thought her being gone was the dream, and that I could call her and tell her all about it. As soon as reality truly set in, it was like I had lost her all over again. The shock of reliving her suicide and coming to terms with it was real, and fresh. It took me about 30 minutes to shake the feelings and pull myself into reality. I got ready for the day, loaded the kids into the car for school, and shifted back into the present. It was weird and sad.


On my way to work, I finally let the tears flow, but not because I was sad. I had her back for a little while. My dream gave us more time together and she came back to me. However brief the time, I got to hug her and laugh with her. She had the best laugh. I hope she comes back again soon because living without her is crushing some days.


If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help. There is someone available 24/7 at the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, which can be reached by calling or texting 988. I promise you are not alone, and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Sending love to you all.

XOXO

-Mer

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