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Honesty Is The Best Policy...

Updated: Sep 6, 2018

Happy Friday! I started this blog last week after reading a hilarious bit about the mom who wrote a brutally honest Christmas letter. Here is what mine would say, if I were brave enough to send this to my judgy relatives who don't have the Internet and will never see this post:

“Thrilled that I get to leave my kiddos at daycare five days a week so someone else has to deal with them.”

Toddler: Whoever said the “Terrible Twos” are the worst, probably sold their child before they made it to age three. Our sweet son flipped a switch this year and decided his only forms of communication are crying, yelling, slinging attitude and occasionally growling. I’ve flipped my child off behind his back more times than I can count this year. He’s super cute, and he’ll tell you so. Over and over and over and over. This kid is on repeat 24/7. It is worse than when Backstreet Boys released 'Quit Playing Games With My Heart' when I was in middle school. He'll ask the same question 12 times in a row but in different ways, like he is trying to trick me into answering differently. "I don't know," is a completely unacceptable answer for any question because, "YES YOU DO, MOMMMY!" Have we passed the age where you can legally surrender your child at a fire station without legal persecution? Asking for a friend.

Infant: Eleven months old and still refuses to sleep. I’m certain the neighbors have considered calling the cops when we let him “cry it out” because his screams rival a banshee. Never sits still and has zero chill. Like, ZERO. Thrilled he was the second edition to our family because it solidified our decision to never do this to ourselves again. Can’t wait for him to turn one next month, learn to walk, and really get into everything he shouldn’t. His favorite things include crying to be held for no reason, tackling then biting his big brother, trying to escape every form of safety barrier we erect, and again, not sleeping. We love him to pieces but also consider running away from home a solid four times a week.

Hubby: Still working his ass off for a thankless corporation. Most days he’s really glad he decided to have kids in his forties. Very happy I volunteered him to do the electrical on our basement finish in all of his spare time. Sometimes I think we have poltergeists in our house because of the sheer number of cabinets he leaves open for no reason. Collects work boots and jeans, refuses to throw away undergarments with holes but keeps buying new ones to replace them. Currently has 80% of the DVR filled with sci-fi shows that he will never have time to watch because of kids and volunteer electrical work. Bought me a beautiful diamond anniversary band to celebrate our 5 years in October. I'm still trying to figure out what he did that I don't know about to warrant such a gift. Still bald but has a great body and a nice personality.

Me: Thrilled that I get to leave my kiddos at daycare five days a week so someone else has to deal with them. I’m selling organs on the black market to pay for it, but it’s worth it. I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding for the last three years and I’m ready to have my body back in 2018! Well, not my body because it has been completely destroyed by said sacrifices. I’m hoping I can sell more organs to afford the extensive surgery it will take to put this hot mess back together. Currently running two companies while contemplating also running away to some place with endless wine and chocolate, and where, most importantly, nobody can find me. Still snarky and starting to put some of the baby weight that I just lost back on in time for Christmas. Add that to my list of things to fix with plastic surgery in the future.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I promise we actually love our kids a super bunch (most days) and our marriage is solid (most days) and we don't bitch about our lives (too much) because we are actually really grateful for all we have (mostly).

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