Updated: Sep 6, 2018
A few years ago, my very generous, amazing, super-fun girlfriend invited me to the mountains for her birthday. Not just the mountains, but a really nice lodge and spa in a very elite area. I was stoked to celebrate with her...and her husband and three children. I actually love this family like they are my own and was more than happy to share a bed with one of the girls and sleep in the same room with the happy family. Eight feet from where they slept in another queen bed. It was not at all awkward. Seriously.
“It felt kinda cool to pretend that I was actually part of this fabulous family even if it was interpreted as something, uh, alternative.”
I drove up early on Saturday morning and, after winding through a neighborhood with the largest houses I have ever seen in my life, I ended up being buzzed into the front gate at the lodge as their guest. The friendly valet took my car keys and told me that the *Smith family was his absolute favorite and he couldn't wait to get to know their "special guest." It was pretty cool and again, not at all awkward.
We spent the day playing in the pool, the evening eating a very fancy dinner and the rest of the evening in the room where my sweet friend barfed because I suggested she drink a Long Island Ice-Tea at dinner. How could I know that she drinks with the frequency of a six-year-old-child and had never had one? They are yummy, I wanted to introduce her to a new passion. Whatevs, she was fine after one big heave.
That night, we climbed into bed with all of the kids and spent the next eight hours listening to the oldest daughter grind her teeth, the middle daughter roll off the bed (twice) and the youngest talk in her sleep. When we all got up the next morning, Mr. Smith asked how everyone slept. The replies were varied but mostly the kids slept great and the adults slept like they didn't sleep. He then thanked me for "farting in my sleep all night." Hahahaha. He was kidding. Right? I think he was kidding. He was totally kidding.....I may never know.
On our way downstairs for breakfast, their youngest daughter explained to everyone waiting for the elevator that I was staying with mommy and daddy. There was also a reference to my involvement as a "sister-wife." We all thought it was sooooo funny. One lady abruptly turned and took the stairs instead. Weird. The same daughter also told me that I was her "favorite other mommy." How many other mommies are there, Mrs. Smith? HUH?!?!
I actually think that everyone at the resort thought the Smith family had decided to test-out their new lifestyle in a secluded mountain lodge to see how it was going to work out. It felt kinda cool to pretend that I was actually part of this fabulous family even if it was interpreted as something, uh, alternative. After spending the majority of day two splashing around in the pool, Mr. & Mrs. Smith treated me to a massage by a therapist with nine fingers. She made small chat before we began the massage and she told me how nice my "friends" were. She did air quotes with four of her nine fingers.
I left that evening and allowed the family time to enjoy the rest of their weekend without a pesky mistress bothering them. Next year, however, I am going to call and book reservations for Mr. & Mrs. & Mrs. Smith just so everyone is prepared for our return visit.