My oldest started kindergarten this week. Thank you to everyone who called and texted (and it was like, a lot of you) - I am ok, seriously. However, as a new Kindie mom who has never packed a lunch before, I was in a bit of a panic earlier in the week, trying to come up with lunch options for him. So I did what any good parent would do to find a solution to my problem: I Googled “quick and easy lunch ideas for kids.” The picture below was part of an article titled, ‘25 Simple Lunches for Kids.’ Said article was full of gems like this PacMan sandwich and the creator of this masterpiece says it's, "so much fun (and super easy to make)!" Ok, wait. I don't know if I want to pat you on the back or slap you, lady.
*Author's Note: Mer's Life does not condone violence against anyone, regardless of the ridiculous amount of time and effort they take to make a meal that the kid will probably pick at and throw away 2/3 of anyway.
Now, I am not knocking all of the Super Moms who can accomplish amazing, creative lunches like this. It's just, what the hell parent has time, energy, and enough will-to-live to paint a fucking Pac-Man sandwich with food coloring (yep, that is in the directions) and cut tiny pieces out of string cheese for the little ghost things as well? Seriously, WHO is doing this? Anyone in the real world? Does anyone with children, a job, no housekeeper or nanny, actually have time to do this? Also....whyyyyyy? Pac-Man is getting destroyed the second your kid flips their lunch box over or throws it at their friend Gary. It's going to be a pile of yellow mush with smashed ghosts in approximately 3.4 seconds.
Sure, these ideas are super cute. I love that the strawberries are cut into little hearts and each pistachio has an adorable happy face drawing on it, but also, fuck you. I Googled “quick and easy” lunches. AND, Pac-Man was just the tip of the iceberg. Do you have time to bake mac 'n' cheese (organic, from scratch, of course) and ham (from your own pig) in a muffin tin for a tasty bite? You're in luck, I can send you the recipe! How about grilled cheese ROLL UPS (why the f* is this extra step included) with homemade tomato soup dipping sauce? So easy!! Below are some adorable spider sandwiches, complete with green olive eyeballs because what child doesn't LOVE green olives and pimentos? *eye roll* Those toothpicks look like sweet weapons, too.
Anywho, the moral of the story is: I packed my kid some cubed ham, Goldfish crackers (already conveniently cut into a fun shape - thanks, Pepperidge Farms), a 100% apple juice with no sugar added, a yogurt, and some apple-cinnamon rice cakes for dessert. He ate the shit out of it and, the best part is, it took me 2 minutes to put together. #winning #supermom #aintnobodygottimeforthat